Cold hands, warm shart.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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