Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
