I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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