its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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