Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I can't turn off my feet"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
