Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
