The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
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