There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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