I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
