I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Church boner. Awkwardddd
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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