I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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