paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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