how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
