I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
