I met the friendliest cop last night
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
