I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I cockslap morals
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I think i got beer on your cat.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
