I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
