I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
