she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
