Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
