i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
