Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
