I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
