Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
