i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
