you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
