tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
