I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
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