Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
