Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
