So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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