maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
