i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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