It's Friday. Sex?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
