Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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