sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
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