I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
