I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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