I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
