The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
