This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
