just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
