I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
