Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
