I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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