I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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