The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
