I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
