I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
