I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
