i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
