New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
