i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
